Top 10 things in film that you wish your eyes had never seen

So we all know some films are built to give us the heebie-geebies and some just make us laugh trying. But how many are there that have done it so damn well we’ve cried into our pillows a big slobbery mess? Some just touch a nerve and others damn well grab it, rip it out and floss with it in front of us. Let’s examine such masterpieces of cinematic goosepimply goodness – be warned, as the title of this article suggests, in reading this you risk psychological and physical disturbance of the highest order. Oh, and there may well be spoilers.

10 – That nose-smashing stunt in Pan’s Labyrinth

Written and directed by Mexican film-maker Guillermo del Toro, Pan’s Labyrinth was a gem of fantastical weirdness. It might have fairies and fauns in it but this is anything but a fairytale. Interweaving the real world with some really messed up critters, main girl Ofelia (Ivana Baquero) has to complete three tasks to prove herself a princess. In the midst of all this is her evil stepfather (that’s right patriarchs, evil stepfather in this one – deal with it) who one night stumbles across two farmers lurking about his land. Naturally he beats one in the face with a bottle – a few swift downwards motions and the nose will apparently completely collapse in on itself. Lovely job.

9 – The eye-melting in Resident Evil

So it might be based on one of those new-fangled video game malarkies – personally I’m still trying to complete Sonic the Hedgehog on Sega Mega Drive – but Resident Evil (the film) had many moments that made me go a bit gooey inside. And not the good kind. Top of the list is the moment when the man with possibly the uncoolest name in showbiz – Colin Salmon – gets lasered to oblivion. His name is much cooler in the movie – a guy called ‘One’ is surely not to be messed with – but that laser just don’t care who’s hip and who ain’t. Eye-slicing laser: one. One: nil.

8 – Lawrence sawing off his own foot in ... well, Saw

Ok, so you could have picked just about any moment from one of the Jigsaw’s games for this one, but let’s go with the original shall we? Before the franchise got so ridiculously out-of-hand that the producers deserve to play the game themselves. I for one am very attached to my limbs, both physically and emotionally, and anyone with the will and ability to chop off one of their valuable appendages is pretty bloody mad. Nevertheless, Lawrence (Cary Elwes) with his foot chained to the wall of a bathroom, suddenly fears for the lives of his wife and daughter and finds himself succumbing to the Jigsaw’s mind games. The image of him crawling his way to the door still haunts me. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from him and Aron Ralston, it’s that young children motivate you to get hacking. Lesson: don’t have kids. Or even think about having them. Especially in canyons and bathrooms.

7 – Two-Face in The Dark Knight

Ok, so we all wanted to wipe the smile off Harvey Dent’s (Aaron Eckhart) oh so perfect smug little face, but none of us actually wanted to wipe off his face. Nevertheless, the powers that be dictate that he must be disfigured and that he must become Two-Face. Possessing that lovely burned quality, his eye remains (in a way that defies all laws of physics) intact. And it’s that freaky bulging eyeball that makes me squirm every time. Someone get this guy a patch.

6 – James McAvoy being hung à la pig in the back of a butcher’s van in The Last King of Scotland

Now, why anyone would want to punish a face so cheekily Scottish is beyond me, but Idi Amin was a nasty bloke and so James McAvoy’s Nicholas Garrigan must suffer. When Garrigan travels to Uganda to do good with his newly acquired medical degree, he finds himself taking a job as personal physician to dictator Amin. Safe to say, he does more bad than good and gets a lesson in tribal African culture when he is hung, by his chest, with rusty meat hooks and hoisted up to the ceiling. Yum.

5 – Harry’s heroin fix in Requiem for a Dream

The first of two films from Darren Aronofsky to hit this list, this is definitely not one to see with your mum. Not only will your own mind be scarred for life, but your mother’s opinion of you surely will be as well – especially after you convinced her it was an intellectually stimulating film about the unfortunate products of addiction. The moment where Harry, desperate for his next fix, injects heroin into his gangrenous arm is sure to finish off anyone with a weak stomach – which reminds me, it might be as well not to eat lunch whilst reading this.

4 – The girl in The Grudge

Need I say more? The eyes, the noise, the crawling down the stairs and frightening the living bajesus out of everyone – this girl almost destroyed the very fabric of my being. American remake of Japanese film Ju-On: The Grudge, this version stars Sarah Michelle Gellar as Karen Davis, who inadvertently finds herself wrapped up in a horrific curse. Let’s face it, we all could have done without this one on a dark winter’s night – but at least it provides a pretty easy dressing up option for Halloween.

3 – Natalie Portman’s skin-peeling antics in Black Swan

A more recent one to add to the bank, Natalie Portman’s Oscar-winning role as Nina in Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan gave us appropriate swan-pimples. As if one unfathomable mind-bending moment wasn’t enough, this film gave us many, all equally as gross and brain-churning as the last – with the added bonus of a couple of lesbian encounters thrown in for good measure. However, the crowning glory was that deliciously grim skin-peeling trick she performed on her middle finger. With her teeth. Cue squeamish howls resonating round the cinema.

2 – The shower scene in Psycho

All hail Hitchcock for laying the foundations of fear in the cinema. Iconic sixties magnum opus, the master of suspense instilled the there’s-something-behind-the-curtain-aphobia in almost every film fan in the world – and that’s fact. Shot entirely in black and white, the silent approach of the shadowy figure on the other side of the shower curtain was the simplest and the greatest way to have you hiding behind the sofa. One of the best moments in heebie-geebie history.

1 – Spike’s bum in Notting Hill

I’m just kidding. Everyone knows we wanted to see those buns – ‘Nice. Firm. Buttocks.’

Care to slap us in the face with some more psychologically skull-bashing, spine-tingling, stomach-churning greatness? Let us know and share your nightmares with the world.